What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 08:07
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I said to her
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So whats the point in blame.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why are FtM trans just another type of woman?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Can you tell me a depressing story?
I think the readers, may guess!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is soul school!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My family never makes their pension either.
But it wasn’t much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im still living with it.
One cannot live in the past .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were not on the streets..
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i lived it daily.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She wouldn,t have been !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What did i know ?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Who then, do I blame.?
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
I was seconnd youngest,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I waited trembling.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Put me off passion for life!!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And who doesn’t know suffering?